Dsylexic Language Nerds, Untie!

Here are some of my favorite language facts, quirks and fun moments:

Think about it …

• A guy on the street waved to me, then said “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” “I said ‘I am.’ ” (Dmitri Martin)
• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. (Steven Wright)
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. (Steven Wright)

Books are not light entertainment

• The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
• Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

Accident, or intentional?

• The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
• The Shakespeare code: It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
• "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard. “Keyboard” uses all three rows. (First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.)
• Anagram: The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom
• Anagram: Raiders of the Lost Ark = Ford, the Real Star, is OK
• The word "monosyllable" actually has five syllables in it

Sound it out

• No English words rhyme fully with orange, silver, or month
• The "ee" sound ( [i] ) has seven spellings, and the "ough" combination can be pronounced nine different ways. All spellings and pronunciations can be demonstrated in just two sentences:
• "He believed Caesar could see people seizing the seas." "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
• Can you think of a word with six consonants in a row? There are none with more than six. Here’s one: “latchstring.” (Can’t think of another? There are two. Note: “lethologica” means not being able to remember the word you want.)
• Which words not only contain all vowels, but have them in the correct order? Facetious, abstemious and arsenious (“containing arsenic.”)

Size doesn’t matter?

• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
• Two 45-letter words are the longest in the English language (Oxford English Dictionary). The first is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” The second? “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses,” its plural.
• Is "I am" the shortest complete sentence in the English language? Nope. The shortest complete sentence in the English language is "Go."

Meaningful or not?

• The word “nerd” was first coined by Dr. Seuss in “If I ran the Zoo.”
• The word "time" is the most common noun in the English language. We need to slow down!
• Anagram: Listen = Silent (Note: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.)
• Anagram: Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one (If that doesn’t surprise you, this will: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321)
• A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks (and somewhat sounds) like they are actually talking.
• Is there another word for Thesaurus? (Steven Wright)
• Anagram: Dictionary = Indicatory
  

Broken English, or greater truth?

• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
• In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
• In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

I don’t think that means what you think it means

• The verb "cleave" has two opposite meanings. It can mean to adhere or to separate.
• Seemingly contradictory synonyms: flammable/inflammable; toxicant/intoxicant.
• Until the seventeenth century the word "upset" meant to set up (i.e. erect) something. Now it means the opposite: "to capsize".
• What is “Etaoin Shrdlu?” The twelve most common letters in English, in order of most frequently used to least frequently used.

Anagrams:

Just for fun: Want to talk to someone who replies in anagrams made from what you've said? Me neither. But it's fun to see how conversations unfold at Sternest Meanings.

Do's, Don'ts, Tips and Worries for Cat Owners

Why some artists

should NOT own cats:

Hidden danger of

raising an indoor cat:

Hidden danger of

raising an outdoor cat:

Mapping of the Cat Brain:

Even rotting vegetables and sharp

knives are permissible if you

get a cute kitten photo out of it:

Dance lessons are encouraged:

All photos prepared under

supervision of Zorak,

bunny cat overlord:

Remember to put water out!

How do I turn this thing on?

Okay, I'm on a comedy and language kick!

We all have our brain turned to "low" from time to time, but here are dozens of documented cases of the brain turned to "off" from Overheard in New York, The Book Mine and The Customer is Not Always Right.

The Book Mine

Woman: "I am looking for a certain autobiography, but I don't know who the author is. Can you help me?"


Guy: I never knew there was a libary (sic) here.
Me: There isn't.
Guy: What is it?

Me: It's called a book store.
Guy: What's the difference?

Me: I guess there isn't any.
Guy: I didn't think so.


Overheard in New York

Girl #1: Everyone always criticizes my choice in men. I get so sick of it; there's nothing wrong with Tom.
Girl #2: He looks like Hitler, he drools, he's always whining and making high-pitched noises, and everyone keeps putting him down, and he never even stands up for himself.
Girl #1: He may be a total loser and a freak but he still has some redeeming qualities. Plus if I didn't date him no one else would.
Tom: Thanks.


Little boy: Why didn't Harry Potter just take a shotgun and blow that guy's head off?


Man: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.


Business woman: No, I told her I'd rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.


Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here!
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.


The Customer is NOT Always Right

Fast Food | North Dakota, USA

Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”
Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”
Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

Electrical Store | Middlesbrough, UK

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”
Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”
Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”
Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Man: “So get someone who can!”
(I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Good afternoon Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”
Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”
Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!”

Tourist Information | Catalina Island, CA

Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”

Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

One more from the Book Mine:

Older guy: I'm here for an appraisal.
Me: I charge for appraisals.
Guy: No, I don't want to pay for nothing.

Me: What do you have?
Guy: A book I wrote. It's about gambling.

Me: Has it been published?
Guy: No, that's why I need a (sic) appraisal.

Me: I only deal in old books.
Guy: Hey, gambling is old. It's been around a long time.

Me: I don't think I can help you.
Guy: Yeah I know, you're really wasting my time.

.

When parallel universes get mistaken for one another

I first heard of Julie in the summer of 1992. At a stoplight on Hennepin Ave, windows down, someone yelled "Julie!" so loud, I turned my head. Since I was looking at them blankly, they hurried on, no doubt feeling a little foolish. This happened twice more that summer. I began to wonder.

Incidents like this began to happen with some frequency.

That’s when I realized: I have a doppelganger named Julie. And while I do have a long list of aliases (as a professional bellydancer, voiceover artist, radio personality, and budding standup comic) 'Julie' is not now and never has been one of them.

Once, I was shopping at North Country Co-op when a pleasant young man engaged me in conversation. After a bit, he said, "Aren't you Julie?" "No," I replied. "Didn't you go to Macalester?" "No," again. "Are you SURE?" ('Cause he was.) I said, "No, but I get that a lot."

He paused, a little embarrassed, clearly wondering why Julie would lie. "Well, she's a really nice person..." then, looking at me sideways. "You ARE Julie aren't you?"

Sigh. I guess I'm her evil twin.

I wonder if Julie gets asked, "Aren't you Sarah? Aren't you a bellydancer? A voiceover artist, a radio personality, trying stand-up comedy?

So: Julie, if you're out there, email me!! Let’s bring the parallel universes together.

How does a comic/comedian talk or dialogue with an audience?

Comedians are supposed to know how to connect with their audience. (Videos below!)

For example, a generic rule of thumb from a comedy class (that my husband Dave taught) is, when your rehearsed material is not working, connect with the audience. You can just change your tone, or wording, or where you look, or you can actually talk with the audience. When people feel you've connected with them (often signaled by getting some laughs), go back to delivering your rehearsed material. (This is not a hard rule, but a general guideline for new comics learning the ropes.)

This can take almost any form. A comic (Chris Barron, performing in Minneapolis) once had a man with a huge beard in the front row. Whenever his jokes stopped getting laughs, he would just point to the guy with the beard in the front, begin clapping and say "Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Grizzly Adams. A big hand for Mr. Grizzly Adams!!" People would laugh, and he would go on with his show. (It was amazingly effective.)

But what do you say to them if you talk? I couldn't find any examples by searching the the web, so I looked through some clips of the comic many people feel is one of the best ever at talking to the audience: Paula Poundstone. And I found some great stuff, all included below!

Paula is famous for "interviewing" folks and quickly finding all kinds of funny things to bring out. Usually she is interviewing audience members, but in one case below, she interviews a talk show host (who thinks he is interviewing her, but ends up laughing hysterically).

She often incorporates information that just came up, so some of the clips start a little bit before she talks to the audience, so you can hear how she incorporates things. Keep listening to see how she weaves the information into her talk with folks, and how once she gets going it gets funny quickly.

The first two videos pretty much start with Paula talking to the audience, but the later ones you have to fast forward to get to the best starting point. Until I get the videos into clips of just the suggested parts, what you can do is click a video to start it, then pause it. It will keep downloading while it's paused, and then after a bit you can forward it to the suggested start time, which I've posted above each video for now. (Or you can just watch the each thing from the beginning while you wait for her to get into it with folks.) Remember, the first two you can just watch right from the beginning.

So without further ado, heeeere's Paula!

Funny Girls - Paula Poundstone Bonus: Kind Work


Start after song at beginning


Start video from 2:55


Start video from 3:50


Start video from 5:02


Start video from 1:50