Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Understanding cats: the short course

That's amazing: Brooke McEldowney has written (to date) 189 comic strips,
each identifying a different hallmark of Felinity. And if you're looking for tips on HOW to BE a cat, here's a great list. But if you just want to understand cats better, read on and check out the videos below.

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered in cat spit." -Anonymous


Cats are not crazy about vet appointments:
kitty

We've got two cats. Photographic proof: That's Stasha at left sorting laundry, and Ruby dreaming of tuna at right. Below that you can see them following their rigorous lounge training schedule:

Missing socks? How would I know!?Dreaming of Mom

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
Is there any time that isn't nap time?

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." -Jeff Valdez 
When we're not around, like all cats, they talk to each other:
  
Also, something my husband noticed: 
Dogs and people form gangs, but cats don’t. Why? 
Because the nicknames are all wrong: 
"Word up, Cuddles ... Mr. Pitter Patter ... You take down Fluffy and Pumpkin, but leave Mr. Buttons to me." 

Cats are not known to enjoy obedience training:
cat

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." -Anonymous

With proper motivation, cats can imagine
themselves doing almost anything:
The physics of cats:
First Law of Energy Conservation
 
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

The engineer's introduction to cat ownership:


Ruby demonstrates how cats stay limber by stretching:

A day's work resting well done

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. 

It's important to realize that cats, while cute, are also natural predators:


Rules for cats: HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"
  1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  3. For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
  4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.
  5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.
  6. When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.
Cats generally believe they are smarter than you:
cat


Most cats love to help you wake up in the morning:


Multiple cats can be difficult to herd:


A Cat Workout Program:
Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active.
The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem.
Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up. Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge.
Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.
Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work.
Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!


Cats love to play. Here's Stasha going after a feather:
Crouching cat, flying feather


Cats like tuna:


The only thing cats like more than tuna is catnip:
cat


But they don't like water, generally:
humorous pictures


I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me.
The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ..
- Steve Martin

If you let cats outdoors, there will be less birds in the world: 
Humorous Pictures

more cat pictures


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ....


In our house, Ruby is often protective of her sister:
This is my sister


Other cat articles you might like

5 comments:

  1. Liz Page | @lizwebpageFriday, July 11, 2008

    This is a lot of fun, thanks! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love it! Why haven't I seen this before? Stumbleupon, you've let me down again!!

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  3. I love these posts! They are really entertaining and have fulfilled my cat needs for the week. I'm currently expecting and providing a home for a cat is unfortunately not possible yet!

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  4. most ov them was funny part the one were cat was ganna kill the bird it is tight iuf the cat gets it awwwwwwwwwww jk they are all funny good job putin this web site together

    ReplyDelete