Tuesday, May 27, 2008

How do I turn this thing on?

Okay, I'm on a comedy and language kick!

We all have our brain turned to "low" from time to time, but here are dozens of documented cases of the brain turned to "off" from Overheard in New York, The Book Mine and The Customer is Not Always Right.

The Book Mine

Woman: "I am looking for a certain autobiography, but I don't know who the author is. Can you help me?"

Guy: I never knew there was a libary (sic) here.
Me: There isn't.
Guy: What is it?

Me: It's called a book store.
Guy: What's the difference?

Me: I guess there isn't any.
Guy: I didn't think so.

Overheard in New York

Girl #1: Everyone always criticizes my choice in men. I get so sick of it; there's nothing wrong with Tom.
Girl #2: He looks like Hitler, he drools, he's always whining and making high-pitched noises, and everyone keeps putting him down, and he never even stands up for himself.
Girl #1: He may be a total loser and a freak but he still has some redeeming qualities. Plus if I didn't date him no one else would.
Tom: Thanks.

Little boy: Why didn't Harry Potter just take a shotgun and blow that guy's head off?

: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.

Business woman: No, I told her I'd rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here!
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.

The Customer is NOT Always Right

Fast Food | North Dakota, USA

Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”
Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”
Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”
Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

Electrical Store | Middlesbrough, UK

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”
Man: “Yes, I want half of my money back on this camera.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something wrong with it?”
Man: “No, it’s fine. But I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Half of your money? I’m not sure I understand…”
Man: “Look, I bought this camera about 6 weeks ago, and now it’s on a half price offer. So I want half of my money back.”

Me: “Err, sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Man: “So get someone who can!”
(I pop off to grab the manager, and explain the situation to him.)

Manager: “Good afternoon Sir. **** has explained your problem to me, and I’m afraid he’s right, we can’t refund this difference to you. The item is on sale now; it wasn’t when you bought it.”
Man: “This is ridiculous! You’re ripping me off! Why won’t you give me my money back?”

Manager: “Let me ask you this–if the camera was now twice as expensive, would you come back here and pay us the extra money?”
Man: “Of course not, I’m not stupid!”

Manager: “And neither am I, Sir. Good day!”

Tourist Information | Catalina Island, CA

Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”

Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”

Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”

Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”

Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

One more from the Book Mine:

Older guy: I'm here for an appraisal.
Me: I charge for appraisals.
Guy: No, I don't want to pay for nothing.

Me: What do you have?
Guy: A book I wrote. It's about gambling.

Me: Has it been published?
Guy: No, that's why I need a (sic) appraisal.

Me: I only deal in old books.
Guy: Hey, gambling is old. It's been around a long time.

Me: I don't think I can help you.
Guy: Yeah I know, you're really wasting my time.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

When parallel universes get mistaken for one another

I first heard of Julie in the summer of 1992. At a stoplight on Hennepin Ave, windows down, someone yelled "Julie!" so loud, I turned my head. Since I was looking at them blankly, they hurried on, no doubt feeling a little foolish. This happened twice more that summer. I began to wonder.

Incidents like this began to happen with some frequency.

That’s when I realized: I have a doppelganger named Julie. And while I do have a long list of aliases (as a professional bellydancer, voiceover artist, radio personality, and budding standup comic) 'Julie' is not now and never has been one of them.

Once, I was shopping at North Country Co-op when a pleasant young man engaged me in conversation. After a bit, he said, "Aren't you Julie?" "No," I replied. "Didn't you go to Macalester?" "No," again. "Are you SURE?" ('Cause he was.) I said, "No, but I get that a lot."

He paused, a little embarrassed, clearly wondering why Julie would lie. "Well, she's a really nice person..." then, looking at me sideways. "You ARE Julie aren't you?"

Sigh. I guess I'm her evil twin.

I wonder if Julie gets asked, "Aren't you Sarah? Aren't you a bellydancer? A voiceover artist, a radio personality, trying stand-up comedy?

So: Julie, if you're out there, email me!! Let’s bring the parallel universes together.