Do something wonderful!: Funny

Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Bad day? Mad? Crazy People? Bunny can help.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The Charles Schultz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz , the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read this article straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world .

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America Contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. They are not second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school...

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
I love this!

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are NOT the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care.

Share this with those who have made a difference in your life. I just did!

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.

It's already tomorrow in Australia ..."

Charles Schultz

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The patented 5-step process: How to Hug a Baby

Step 1: Find a baby

Mission accomplished!

Step 2: Verify that what you have found is indeed a baby: Employ classic sniffing techniques.

Yup, it's a baby!

Step 3: Be sure to flatten the baby before actually beginning the final hugging process.

Good work!

Step 4: Slide paws around baby in preparation for close-up (the 'paw slide').

Well done!

Step 5: Wait for a camera to appear. (If all previous steps have been performed accurately this is inevitable.) Perform the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' for best photo quality.

Love to you all!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Of love and cookies

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on many sheets of wax paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said.

“They're for the funeral.”

Friday, March 13, 2009

Something you have to learn about yourself.

Thank you for visiting. Our computer network has been secretly analyzing your personality for several months and learned this about you:

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage.

Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others.

At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

84% of people (tests over several decades) report this as accurately describing them when told beforehand it is an assessment of their personality. Wonder why this seems to be as accurate as it does? Read more about the Forer effect.

(And no, we don't have a secret network. This is a trick. Click the link and read more.)

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Twitter hacked—15 Tweets that tell you everything you need to know.

So Twitter got hacked. And phished.

The Twitterverse responded with it's usual self-assured je m'en fous—a sure sign it takes something much more significant than a little phishing and a few dozen hacked celebrities to threaten our Tweeple. (If Favrd went down, you'd hear some real outrage. And Zamanfou is something else entirely—although we have that too.)

Here then are 15 tweets that prove we Tweeple are a hardy bunch. Also sarcastic, ironic, self-loathing and always ready for a good LOL. Just like the rest of the internet.

Click any tweet to be taken to that writer's Twitter user page. (You can follow them from there!)

Monday, November 10, 2008

You know you are too popular on Twitter when…

From blog.tweetsmarter.com:

You know you are too popular on Twitter when…

People don’t invite you out—they go without you and livetweet you about it.
Because you instantly tweet about everything you do, you no longer see the point of confessing in church.
You know where the Twitter Twanonymous 12-step meetings are held (“Hi, my name is @, and I'm a Twittaddict…”).
You gossip like a complete Twit: “What a failwhale! Her mistweeted tweetahead retweet got her uninvited from the tweetup and the twitcast. With tweetard twittiquette like that she'll never be in the twitterati twibe.”
You never do anything without first considering how Twitterrific it will sound on Twitter.
You lie about how much you Twitter to keep your friends and loved ones from trying to organize a Twittervention against you. You are always jumpy when you go out, afraid they will throw a net over you and pry your blackberry away.
Everyone knows that while you’re technically still married, your spouse is actually a “Twittdow” (Twitter widow).
Whenever you get long-winded, your spouse tells you to “Shut up if you can't talk like we do on Twitter.”
Watching court TV you thought the bailiff said “Please be tweeted,” instead of “Please be seated.”
In your dreams, everyone has @ symbols where faces should be.
You have two homepages: twitter.com, and status.twitter.com …not necessarily in that order.
You're Scobelizing your time, resources and life away.
Big events nearly give you a heart attack every time—from simultaneously trying to listen to it on TV, tweet, and see what everyone else is tweeting about it
You start to think in 140-character thoughts using abbreviations with too many exclamation points and question marks: “Y can't these ppl learn to p/u their own damn dirty socks. It’s thx 4 nothing 4 all the work I do around here, imho. Y do I p/u with this??!!”
Two-hundred thirty-seven people already sent you this blog post this morning.
If it weren't for Twitter, you would have no contact with other living beings 167½ out of 168 hours each week. (It would be never, if grocery delivery to your door was available in your area.)
People DM you before calling so that they know you will answer.
When you see thousands of people following the “Can you hear me now?” guy around in ads…you know just how he feels.
Your kids know they won't get your attention unless the notes they leave on the kitchen table say something like “@Mom, please bring home milk and DM me if I can go to @Jason’s house.”
You have your real name legally changed to your @twitterName.
Obama and Kevin Rose follow you…and DM you when they need advice.
You get the “Twitter Twitch”—you've twittered until two in the morning and now all you can do is lay in bed and twitch.
You never leave the site except to go to Tweet-ups.
More people know you by your Twitter picture than by what you actually look like.
You don't bother to have your Twitter client automatically startup on boot because doesn't everyone sleep with Twitter on the laptop next to them in bed?
When Twitter goes down, you have to restrain yourself from trying to tweet about, and write in your blog until it comes back online.
You understand Twitler's every reference and know exactly how he feels.
You are always accidentally trying your Twitter password to log onto things.
You need a job, but you can't find one with a Twitter-friendly environment so you remain unemployed…and Twittering about it.
You're more popular on twitter.grader.com than @grader itself.
Your @name starts appearing in other people's Twitter jokes.
You decide to do a quick check of your tweets before your email - and it ends up being hours before you read your email.
You freak out when twitter goes down for a few hours and wonder if you will ever see your friends again!
You look for the UNFOLLOW button during boring TV shows.
You find yourself in an actual, honest-to-goodness face-to-face conversation…and catch yourself looking for the “reply” button.
You start to think of everything in @’s as in “I wish @husband would take the garbage out…”
You would never need to wear a tracking device if you were convicted of something because your BrightKite tweets make you easier to track than Barack Obama.
You get wedding presents from Twitter friends you have never met in real life.
You resolve to get off Twitter to get some work done but can't remember when you had that thought, and anyway @guykawasaki is just now saying that Alltop is cool because …
@guykawasaki DMs you but you miss it because you get too many DMs all at once.
When your realize you're having heart palpitations from being so hyped up trying to reply to your thousands of DMs and @'s.
You tweet wearing gloves when the heat goes out.
Twitter's business model depends on your tweets. Either that, or they get money from Greenpeace for saving the Fail Whale.
It takes you three tries to read this post—because you have to check twitter in between.
You’ve long since forgotten what it was like to have friends in the real world in the days “BT” (before Twitter).
When you're off twitter, you make up new twords. You share the twords with your twouse who rolls their eyes at you and goes back to sleep.
Your dog has her own twitter account.
Your name is @conniecrosby.
When u go online to find that recipe, you get so many DMs you logon to twitter & forget to eat dinner, much less cook it.
You decide not to tweet your bad experience at a chain restaurant, just in case the CEO decides to follow your tweets and then vows never to hire you to voice their spots…Hey, with Twitter, it could happen!
You write articles called "6 Reasons I am a Twitter Crack Whore"
You respond @eachperson to all friends then realize you probably flooded 30 pages into the feeds of your less popular friends (…a common misconception! Here's how it really works.)
You start writing on your actual blog and realize u start wrtng shrt form 2 fit what u want n 140 chars. Then you realize it's not necessary & decide to stop writing and go check out what's happening on twitter.
Your mind begins to think in update format, categorizing people into TweetDeck columns... and you talk to people the same way.
You insist that all of your friends sign up for Twitter, but wait to follow them until they say something interesting.
All your thoughts become micro-thoughts, and then other people start to promote your micro-thoughts...
When Billionaires like Richard Branson of The Famed Virgin Brand start following YOU on Twitter.
Your cold has its own twitter account. Yep, check out Digg's founder: @kevinscold.
You no longer like 'talking.' You now prefer talking in tweets... Or 'twalking.' You are constantly competing in your mind to communicate in 140 characters or less.
You realize Twitter should be called “Twitch” for how compulsively your fingers are at needing to keep typing something.
You type e-mails and just hit ENTER - then wonder why it didn't go.
When you find yourself converting all your blog posts to excerpts.
You're supposed to be a legal observer, but you spend election day at the polls compulsively checking your phone for Twitter hashtag election results.
It gives you flashbacks to the BBS days
You find yourself nodding knowingly to every item on this list

Add to the list by leaving a comment or email /Twitter it to me. Tell me what words to use for your link (or I'll just use your name). Follow me on Twitter at @SarahJL or @Twytter_Tips.

Contributors (Thanks!):

You might also like to see Top 10 perks of the UPCOMING Obama presidency…

Friday, November 07, 2008

Top 10 perks of the Obama presidency

Top 10 perks of the Obama presidency…

Canadians no longer minding being called Americans when traveling abroad…and no longer necessary to pretend you're Canadian while traveling abroad.
Smartest guy in room now IS the President.
Drug companies begin search for compound to relieve new health problem: people suffering from repeated, uncontrollable sighs of relief.
Citizens find days passing by quickly in a giddy lightheaded state (“Obamaraderie”).
Reporter-safe puppy. (Or, Barney's bites no longer make the news.)
Whitehouse now Cheney-Free zone…except for his eighth cousin, Barack Obama.
Having a president whose first language is English and has made a campaign promise to pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.
Color blind citizens not annoyed by claim “We're all color-blind now.”
Warring African nations declare a "ceasefire minute" to celebrate.
Excuse that lipstick on collar is from “Some teary-eyed Obama supporter in line at Grocery store” accepted at face value by spouse.

Best of Obama humor on the web
Late-night comics' jokes about Obama
Obama's funny jokes from the campaign
All funny moments from the ’08 election season
…and the transcript of Obama's comedy roast at the Al Smith dinner

More benefits:

Oval Office 24-hour live video feed being installed in Oprah's house.
George Bush relaxes for the first time in nearly eight years, knowing someone who can handle the tough stuff will be stepping in.
Political humor writers happily begin searching for new lines of work.
Haircuts to show off Alfred E. Neuman ears are suddenly popular.
Having a president who will stick with us through thick and thin, and really looks the thin part.
Having a thin president probably more motivational than even “Super-size me” was to dieting fat citizens.
Our first black president since the first season of '24'
Having another inexperienced Illinois senator raise expectations
First president with a deadly, fade-away jumper
If we get kidnapped in a Middle Eastern country we can say we know Hussein and they might not behead us

From Late Night, the original Top Ten…

Contributors:

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Eugene Ormandy, the Yogi Berra of the Orchestra

From 1938 until 1980, Eugene Ormandy was musical director for the Philadelphia orchestra, famous for his inspired direction and style...and also for his humorous verbal attempts, such as: “I never say what I mean but I always manage to say something similar.”

The orchestra collected their favorites, and here are a few of mine:

“During the rests -- pray."
“Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?”
“Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third. The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player.”
“Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.”
“I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to”
“Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa.”
“If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there is enough missing already.”
“It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before.”
“We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane.”
“Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here.”
“Percussion, a little louder." / "We don't have anything." / "That's right, play it louder.”
“That's the way Stravinsky was. Bup, bup, bup, bup. The poor guy's dead now. Play it legato.”
“The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.”
“Who is sitting in that empty chair?”
“The next movement is still in the factory.”
“Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.”
“It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.”
“Start beforty-two.”
“Start three bars before something.”
“Start at B. Yes. No. Yes. No.”
“Did you play? It sounded very good.”
“It has no rhythm, but it will because it's so much faster.”
“Tonight I'm going to listen with my ears.”
“Long note? Yes. Make it seem short.”
“It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money you have to be flexible.”

And although he also said, “Death is an awful thing. I don't believe in it myself.” Eugene Ormandy died in 1985, and we will miss him.

For a much longer collection of his quotes, see the Arizona State University's collection of Eugene Ormandy quotes.

To keep abreast of news and interesting links on Classical Music, visit or subscribe to @Classical_Music on Twitter. Want an RSS feed of just Classical Music posts? Here you go!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Flatulence, tumbling thoughts, and other strange and funny stuff from acround the internet

Ah, the internet! You never know what strange and funny things you will find.

I post things as I find them at @Laughing_Improv on Twitter. But before we get to that, here's me on a morning radio show, making a fool of myself and causing my coworker to spit into his microphone.

Probably the most popular thing I've posted is the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator (If I was born to Sarah Palin, my name would have been: Copper Catfish Palin). But the greatest "laugh out loud" quotient (for people who use Twitter) has to be "No Twitter for Hitler:"

I think you'll also find it virtually impossible to keep from laughing at some of the lists of unusual quotes I've seen lately:

And here are a few more things that caught my eye recently:

The strange and the funny

Pics and Video

Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist
Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans

We're #1!

... and a few quotes:

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh – Voltaire
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
You are hypnotized. Your screen is actually blank. I am waiting around the corner. Take a look. Return, and this will say: “Paranoid much?” ...
Wiseass: My paper is late due to sexual exhaustion. Teacher: Learn to write with your other hand.

Monday, August 25, 2008

A Jewish Mother’s 10-point guide to the Religious Philosophies of the world.

My friend Susan Piver got me started on this by sharing this letter from her dad.

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we are off the hook. But if there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The meaning of life as seen through 11 thought-provoking, clever and funny commercials

Also don't miss A Jewish Mother’s 10-point guide to the Religious Philosophies of the world. Be sure to watch the advertising "disclaimer" at the end.

1. Best ad for
showing the meaning of life:
This character is from a popular video game,
where he beats, kills and robs people .. usually!

2. Worst ad for
showing the meaning of life:
The people in your life are there to love and learn from to become calmer, happier, better at working with others, etc.

3. Desire and attachment
to things cause problems:
Taking off from the previous ad .. okay ..
then ... is this what it's like without kids?

4. Copying others is not
a good long term plan:
You can get inspiration from others, but only discipline
and lots of your own work will bring you consistent success.

5. Creativity is
better with persistence:
There is a lot of creativity--and no special effects--
in this ad. It took 3 months of engineering
and filming 606 takes to complete.

6. Find a way to let people know
you care and amazing things can happen:
Also, music can uplift and bring people together!

7. Finding a purpose
makes life worth living:
If you watch to the end to see what's really going on,
you'll want to watch it over again:

8. To love others, learn to
understand and help them:
Is it love, or is it survival and self-interest? I say, love first,
see where it leads you! See the last video for more info about this product.

9. Pay attention! Unexpected
realizations are a key to spiritual growth:
No matter how hard you work, if you're
not mindful, you can miss even the most obvious clues.

10. Don't let others
define reality for you:
People who want to tell you what is true and what is not
usually don't have your best interests at heart. See the last video.

11. Sometimes love takes work:
Use whatever skills you have, with whatever time
you have to love someone more than yourself

Disclaimer about believing advertising!
Don't trust what you are told about products
regardless of how popular or common they are

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Never criticize an architect for forgetting to let the cat in!

When cats live with humans, who owns who? Here's some photographic proof from the Katt-Trappa blog:

And a peek inside "The Cat's House"

Monday, July 28, 2008

Add "under the sheets" to most sentences .. or videos!

They say if you add "under the sheets" to most sentences, it makes them funnier (Like "That's what she said!" from The Office). Just ask this cat (VERY safe for work):

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Stand-up comedy at Bryant Lake Bowl Tuesday, July 29 7 PM

I'll be performing some of my new comedy with the Last Laugh crew at Bryant Lake Bowl this Tuesday 7 PM, July 29! This show does sell out at times, so reserve tickets early: $10/advance, $12 day of show. Tickets· FAQ · Map · Directions · Review

From the website: “Last Laugh is a hilarious evening of hysterical stand up comedy and outrageous Improv featuring some of the best and brightest comedy performers on the rise: a night not to be missed!”

A wonderful and funny guy I know from Clear Channel Radio, Jason Schommer, is one of the co-founders of LaVie theater, and will be "headlining" the stand-up comedy portion of the show. He's fantastically funny! (And I hope your shoulder is feeling better, Jason!) Some of his stories remind me a little of David Sedaris, only he's bigger and funnier!

Funniest Person Contest at Acme Comedy Co.!

This follows my going onstage June 12 (my wedding anniversary) at Acme Comedy Co. in downtown Minneapolis. I recommend you don't miss the Monday night free show at Acme every week--it's is often better than some other paid shows around town, in my opinion; they have visiting comics from around the country and locally trying out new material Monday nights.

Restaurant, Theater, Bar and Bowling!

If you're unfamiliar with Bryant Lake Bowl, it's a cool place with a theater, restaurant, bar and bowling lanes. It's an eclectic hangout where you can get fine food, beer, espresso.. and see a play, dance performance, or comedy show--and bowl!

You also might catch a glimpse of some of Minnesota's Hollywood-connected people like Winona Ryder, Josh Hartnett (once sighted there with Scarlett Johansson), or the Gyllenhaals. It's also extremely pleasant since Minneapolis did away with smoking in restaurants a couple of years ago!! The BLB's "Theater Happy Hour" includes appetizer deals and drink specials from 3 pm-6 pm M - F.

I'll post a clip from the performance here after the show.

Last Laugh with Sarah at Bryant Lake Bowl
Tuesday, July, $10 in advance, $12 day of show.
Buy tickets · Directions and FAQ · Map · Review

Do something wonderful!